Thursday, August 20, 2009

just woke up and i feel crappy from everything. feel so uneasy, and feel so... well, lost.

didnt go for UT3 today. sucks. well, cant do anything now. just hope i dont miss the rest.

honestly, i dont know what to do.. tried to focus my mind on moving on, didnt work like it's supposed to. maybe i just dont have the heart to leave her. dont have the heart to forget her.. not yet maybe.. guess i need time.

but i dare not go back to being empty again.. where there's no purpose at all, like, living a life just for the sake of it. for the past few days, she's been the reason for me, now she doesnt want it that way. i can understand where's she's coming from.. she might think i dont understand, but its easy for me to put myself in someone's shoes if i really wanted to. yes, i feel your pain, and i've bled with you.. right now the wound is open, though the bleeding stopped. but it's still fragile..

i guess i was never really that special afterall. the only thing special about me is that im very available, which, i suppose is good for you, so you wont be alone.. after some stuff we shared last night, i guess its right for me to move on, but the process itself is hard. "the first step is the longest stride.." i've tried the first step, guess it didnt work. might have stepped wrongly. i dont know.. right now, the only thing that could make me feel better, is something that i cant have. waiting is an option, but the risks involved.. sigh.. too much would be put in for something that might never come true.. no doubt, the rewards would be gold, but i wont necessarily get the gold you see. im not the only person aiming for gold you know.. and right now, i feel im not anywhere near the top of the food chain.

i wanna go out. i wanna do stuff to make me feel better. but what? i dont know. i'll just wait and see. still waiting for her to wake up and gimme a call, maybe we can still go out, her company is still better than no company.

smile girl.. you know it's cute. :)
~This is for Eternity ♪ at 3:32 PM