Saturday, August 29, 2009

how long has it been since i last posted? lol

i cant rmb leh. losing track of my days again. been sleeping too much into the day that i dont even rmb the day itself.

anyways, went to baybeats with jer last night. quite nice. but only 1 or 2 bands really caught my attention. the rest were alright la.. but some simply sucked. lol.
feel like going again on sunday leh.. but got janet's birthday. hah

after baybeats, i just feel like jamming again. jer asked me when it will be our turn to be on stage. lol. i was like, looooong way to go. lol
he's going NS in 2 weeks. :( there goes another.. sian.
so it'll be hard to jam already.. one less dota mate as well. sigh

anyways, dota's been shit as well. cant seem to improve leh..
it's been rather lonely as well at home. nothing to do.. no one to hang out with..
hope the rest of the hols wont be this boring. if not it'll be just another holiday wasted..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

lonely, im mr lonely
i have nobody
to call my own~
~This is for Eternity ♪ at 5:28 PM

Thursday, August 27, 2009

got a bit of hangover from last night's drinking. sian..
and i drank so little la. guess im a lousy drinker. haha!

anyways, i dont know why im up now also. had a sudden urge to drink milo so i got up and drank milo. now im awake but feeling damn sleepy.

and nicole's been sending me all those cute cute animal games in fb.
that bored huh. hahaha. she's a pro rotter at home.

anyways, last night's party was a little dull. cause i didnt know anyone there at all. well, at least i met ppl there and they were nice. these 3 ppl, cousins of mary and one of them was her cousin's gf. so yeah, they talked to me, then just talk lor.
then one of them made friends with me cause of one common interest.. dota! LOL!
gonna dota with him sooner or later. dont know when only. might be tonight. lol.

max seems a little cranky this morning. got noise outside he wanted to bark already.
lol.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
its gonna get lonely today i think..
~This is for Eternity ♪ at 7:06 AM

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

i just woke up from sleeping for 14 hours.
yesterday was tiring..

after com UT, went to orchard with the group of girls from class. kenny didnt wanna go, so i was the only guy. went shopping and makan.. then met jeremy and wah wah at cine. his turn to shop. rich ass. lol.

pooled with them and went home.

that was a summary of what happened yesterday..
im supposed to be going to pasir ris park for mary's birthday now..
but i cant help but emo..
i dont know whats this feeling anymore.. but it aint beautiful.

cant help but say i miss her.. and i doubt it'd concern her anymore..
she might probably have "moved on" to someone else who can make her happier or feel better when she's down. compared to me.
i know im a pretty boring person, cant be helped.

anyways, my feelings are my feelings, no one should be affected by them. they should just live their lives as they want to.. mine are rather driven by my feelings, so that's just me..

what i see or think might be off, maybe im just thinking too much as usual, but i guess, it all boils down to missing her and that fruitful night i had with her at macs...

i dreamt of you last night, and we were happy together.. sigh..



或许命运的签只让我们遇见
只让我们相恋这一季的秋天
飘落后才发现这幸福的碎片
要我怎么捡
~This is for Eternity ♪ at 7:22 PM

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

alright! i got up so early! LOL!

today last UT. guess what, i dont even know which module is it!! HAHA!
yeah, im very bo chup when it come to my studies.
right now, i've got time to kill while my maid cooks my noodles.

finally i can stay up without feeling guilty. lol.

tomorrow got party. sian? hope not. mary's birthday..
good thing it's nearby. pasir ris only.. haha! i think i can cycle there lor.
dont think i'd know anyone else going other then the birthday girl herself..
the rest of my friends all dont wanna go. siannnnnnnnnn
so i'll be alone again. haha. reminds me of the last time i went to her birthday, it was...
emo. haha. i was alone la! there was this girl i used to like, so i went there particularly for her.
just so i could you know, see her. haha.
but i didnt talk to her much la. shy ma.. =x that was in sec 2 i think. haha. so friggin long time ago laaa! LOL

damn sian now.. nothing much to look forward to for the next few days other then mary's party. oh, sunday is janet's party. LOL. time to merlion again? hmm.. who knows. lol.
next weekend is the SP party.
then i think the following week is weilun's party.
after that no more liao. for now. lol.
a lot of parties going on. haha. but at least i wont have to stay at home and do nothing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
sometimes loneliness gets the better of me

when the night is cold and im all alone
sitting in my room, with nowhere to go
no place to hangout, no person to love
am i really that bad, just simply not worth?

and yet, i still live, for what you might ask
i honestly cannot tell, too many things, too fast
my life's everchanging, and im losing myself
my own identity, just cant love myself

not as much as im supposed to
what do you propose i should do?
if someone could tell me
why my life always seems to be
this painful and exhausting
i think i should stop drinking. =P
~This is for Eternity ♪ at 8:58 AM

what a day~! just like any other! LOL!

i slept for 3 hours last night after watching harry potter online.. wasnt that nice, but i guess it was alright..
anyways, i went to sch today for UT. math. killer, but hopefully i can pass. tomorrow last paper.
hope it wont kill my brain again like math did.

well, after that i went home to sleep. downloaded this vista gadget. ALARM CLOCK! :D
woke me up good this evening like i wanted it to..

headed down to bugis to meet jer and jo to celebrate jo's birthday. had dinner at this fish and chips store. the fish was alright, but the rest was like... not that good. haha. kinda over priced, certain items. but it was fine i guess.

went to this jazz pub after that to watch jer's friend perform. nice band. the flautist quite attractive. =x i think she caught me eye or i caught hers. whatever. she's probably too old for me. lol. had san miguel. first time drinking, tastes not bad. sweet alcohol.

well, now im home after that! asshole is back. sian, no more room to myself. :(

anyways, its been rather hectic for me. every weekend, sure got something on. and almost every weekend, sure got alcohol to drink. :S belly coming out real fast again. haha. oh wait! it's always been there. haha!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

well, today wasnt so bad compared to a few days back. think i feel much better now.
thanks to everyone who tried to cheer me up, or show concern. i know i havent been a that good at taking advices, but at least i know you guys care. :)

im still in the midst of finding my lost identity. wonder who can accept me as lost as i am now..
which girl would want a guy with no direction in life. sigh.. oh well. "life is a rollercoaster just gotta ride it" lol

cheers!
~This is for Eternity ♪ at 12:19 AM

Sunday, August 23, 2009

its 5pm and i just woke up. i seriously need to change my body clock back to normal. lol.

supposed to go church this morning, but i was just too tired. gei kianged. last night shld have slept. lol. but i promised my friend i'd go next sat. i mean, its for me, its not for my friend.
i need direction, i need a new meaning to life.. im going to church to look for it. cause i know i did have one when i was regularly attending.

it was raining heavily last night, and when i woke up as well.. cold as ever, but good for a long sleep. sleep is indeed a great way to escape.

how do i prove that i'll be okay? but do you even care?
im supposed to be solving this and not sleeping. sigh..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

the pain knows no bounds..
my soul is screaming and screeching
it's foul, whats inside
you wont find it anywhere on the streets,
just in my heart
it is unique.
just when i try to solve it,
something comes over me
stifling my existence
resisting my effort

"when will this ever end??!" - Drow Ranger and Death Prophet. =.="
~This is for Eternity ♪ at 5:07 PM

Saturday, August 22, 2009

aight. just woke up from a short slumber. 6 friggin hours to recover from drinking.
short right? yeah, i feel damn paiseh sia.. puked last night. and once again, it was cause i was too full and tired. i didnt get drunk, after puking, i still can drink. lol

anyways, yesterday went out with R2E ppl for dinner and slack at simlim. they call it zai dui cause lexus works there. lol.
went to meet nicole after that at like, 12am? at kallang leisure park. and that place is @#%$-ed! so big no POSB atm. wtf right? but nicole said they gonna build. dont know when only. lol.

anyways, there no more movie, so went to cine lor. thank God for jeremy. he was at cine stalking ppl. lol.. no he's not a stalker. "special mission". lol. then he helped me check timings lor. then me and nicole went down to cine. watched UP! funny show. quite touching also. and we were both freezing in the cinema. lol. oh oh! then there was this cleaning lady, when the movie ended, we were walking out of the door, this lady was standing there sleeping! LOL~ nicole said she saw her before, sleeping at the front row. haha. funny sia..

then we headed to geylang to find shereen. went to drink. DJ MERLION!! LOL! stout quite nice to drink. first time drinking. then cabbed home after that lor..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
sometimes i feel i listen too much, and have too little opinions..
ppl ask me about how they feel, i dont know how to tell them, cause im always neutral.
dont know if its a good thing or not. im just probably scared to offend ppl

got new insight about some stuff, guess i better understand you now..
if only you could better understand how i feel. but it doesnt matter, as long as you're doing fine.
i dont know how long it'll take for me to move on, and im not saying i will make any effort either.
maybe im just lazy to get out of this situation and move to another. or maybe im just scared.
"fear is in the eyes of the beholder." but what if you cant see what's gonna happen, and you're scared. does that still apply? everyone's got their social fears.. ppl who've seen shit will have them.
sometimes i wish there wasnt such a thing as love in this world. or at least, feelings that lead to love. wouldnt be so complicated. but what to do, life loves to make a fool of us sometimes.

im glad i was there to see you in that state, and not leaving you to be..
sometimes i feel i wanna be your guardian angel, just to watch over you. but the pain is excrutiating at times.. no sacrifice, no glory. guess that's what it means.
i miss you, even though i see you.. will there be a breakthrough at all..? sigh..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The pain inside, can you see it
The open wound that's bleeding, i know you didnt mean it
But it burns and it yearns
For a break, to recuperate.
It's tired and it's weary..
And we all know, only you can save me..
~This is for Eternity ♪ at 4:48 PM

Friday, August 21, 2009

"Im my own worst enemy!"

im starting to think that..
everyone's got a devil in them.. some hide really well, some surface whenever you're in shit. guess mine surfaced at the right time.. when im in deep shit.

missed another UT today. =.= fell back to sleep after i woke up. how nice.

im like, screwing with my own life now la. wtf. why why why..
life's a bitch, so's the devil in me. i hear him laughing and scoffing at me for being such a fool. over such a trival thing, i can screw up so many other more important things.. such a wuss..

"and you havent forgotten her have you? HAHA!"

see.. that's what he said the first thing i woke up. wtffff...
sighh.... "all's fair in love and war.." yeah right. bullshit. i'd fuck you upside down if you try to use that on me..

yesterday went out with james, nick and kw. pool and slack.
pangseh-ed nicole and shereen for them.
i know im at fault. if im still stuck up and not willing to admit, i wouldnt have put it up here. yeah, im hanging my shame up for everyone to see. cool huh..
happy now? im sorry, i know it sucks. my bad. what now? explanations wont count for nothing cause i know im in the wrong.. it's only happened once, so do i get another chance to prove and show my apologies? god knows..

yes i feel bad. my pool standard dropped the moment i told her i wasnt going. guess i cant pool or do anything when i've got something bugging me inside.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

someone please come save me.. dying inside and i cant hold out..
my defenses are low and my strength is weakening by the day..
i need something to pull me out of this dump.
my morale is dead, and soon i will be too.
death is taking over and im not holding it back much.
if only i could die now. how nice that would be..
but i guess life wont let me do that.
~This is for Eternity ♪ at 3:29 PM

Thursday, August 20, 2009

just woke up and i feel crappy from everything. feel so uneasy, and feel so... well, lost.

didnt go for UT3 today. sucks. well, cant do anything now. just hope i dont miss the rest.

honestly, i dont know what to do.. tried to focus my mind on moving on, didnt work like it's supposed to. maybe i just dont have the heart to leave her. dont have the heart to forget her.. not yet maybe.. guess i need time.

but i dare not go back to being empty again.. where there's no purpose at all, like, living a life just for the sake of it. for the past few days, she's been the reason for me, now she doesnt want it that way. i can understand where's she's coming from.. she might think i dont understand, but its easy for me to put myself in someone's shoes if i really wanted to. yes, i feel your pain, and i've bled with you.. right now the wound is open, though the bleeding stopped. but it's still fragile..

i guess i was never really that special afterall. the only thing special about me is that im very available, which, i suppose is good for you, so you wont be alone.. after some stuff we shared last night, i guess its right for me to move on, but the process itself is hard. "the first step is the longest stride.." i've tried the first step, guess it didnt work. might have stepped wrongly. i dont know.. right now, the only thing that could make me feel better, is something that i cant have. waiting is an option, but the risks involved.. sigh.. too much would be put in for something that might never come true.. no doubt, the rewards would be gold, but i wont necessarily get the gold you see. im not the only person aiming for gold you know.. and right now, i feel im not anywhere near the top of the food chain.

i wanna go out. i wanna do stuff to make me feel better. but what? i dont know. i'll just wait and see. still waiting for her to wake up and gimme a call, maybe we can still go out, her company is still better than no company.

smile girl.. you know it's cute. :)
~This is for Eternity ♪ at 3:32 PM

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

nevertheless, i feel useless.
~This is for Eternity ♪ at 11:38 PM

i just cant help it! i know saying this risks the fact that you might not talk to me about this again..
but i cant take it! i gotta rant! i hate it when you talk about him. i hate it when he treats you so badly. i hate it when you love him so much afterall he does to you. call it jealousy, call me an ass, call me unreasonable, but i hate it!
almost every song you send to me, i see a link of how you feel for him. you might say im thinking too much, but isnt it the truth? because of him, you listen to such songs, cause you're hurt, and these songs respond to your bleeding heart.
im hurt. im scared. im lonely. even though you care, its just not the same. not when he's in your heart.

i used to think of you a lot, but when i saw you couldnt forget him, i let you go.. and the next thing i knew, you were with someone else. so i just left without a word. i hope you understand that part.. now that we're talking again, i thought maybe i'd do something, maybe i could help out.. guess i was wrong. im such an ass.. useless useless ass. all i ever wanted was to see you happy again, and there's just nothing, no fucking thing i can do about this.

if love is blind, then why do i see you?! being blind isnt about seeing the wrong things, it's about not looking at all, but i see you, and i know what im seeing.. sigh.

my heart's wearing really really thin.. i know my friends are trying to hold it together for me, that includes you.. i know, i thank you guys, but is it really enough? how long more can i hold out? i really dont know. i've got a weak heart.

so frustrated. that's that. i dont wanna move on. but i dont wanna stay strong either. i dont know what to do.. all i really want is to be with you.. but its not gonna happen huh? if it isnt, tell me it isnt. on second thought, dont. it'll just shatter me.
~This is for Eternity ♪ at 10:12 PM

today, had UT. enterprise. =.= i was expected a lot of long answered questions, but most were short. haha! so i finished it in like, 30min? then i left before the paper ended. wheee~ a lot of my classmates stunned siaaa..

anyways, gonna change class next sem, so i think i should start making my short messages to the class...

(not according to likings or anything, just the list i see in my msn now..)



Changyue: "you've been one of the closest to me in class, really appreciate your listening ear. jia you!":)

YuPing: "it's nice to know you.. really.. and i know, you always call me bastard cause of my bastard jokes. hahah!"

Nida: "cullen! LOL!"

Rya: "although you left us halfway, but it was really nice knowing you. good luck in your future!) :)

HaoJun: "you've been a really nice person to me and i appreciate it a lot. thanks bro! 9D huat arh!~" xD

Nicole: "bin coco! LOL. thanks for the memories.. learnt a lot from it and enjoyed a lot as well! jia you!" :)

Fina: "rocker chick! headbang your way girrrrl! have fun in life!" :D

Fareed: "goku forever.. lol. thanks for trying to help so many times, i know you have good intentions."

Chantel: "chantello, castello, drink milo, singtello, hello! LOL! and many more nicknames, and yet you're cool with it. you're a really nice person, and it's been a pleasure knowing you." :)

YangSing: "when you gonna ask your hairstylist for me?! LOL! take care k! dont stop having fun in life! meh~"

Fyqah: "you've been a great friend! your laughter is hysterical and everybody loves it! so dont stop laughing k? hahahahahahahahahahahaha" xD

QiuHao, "im sorry my chinese sucks, get someone to translate for you if you dont understand k. but im sure you can. have faith in yourself that you will do very well!" :)

Lynette: "lynetto drink teh O! lynetteh also can. hahaa! you've been a great friend! really nice too! glad to have known you. stay pretty and sweet!" =x

Meiyun, "mayonese nice? hahaha. you've been a nice girl and im sure santa will give you lotsa gifts during xmas. jia you in VE!" ;D

Mya, " nice to know you! stop mia-ing from class! haha! cheers! we all love myanmar!" :D

Nad, "you're like, one of the most matured persons in class i know, and it's really been great knowing you. thanks for working so hard when im in your team. haha!" =x

Sandy, "9.33 fm FTW! haha! my goodest friend in class! stay short so i can stay taller than you k? im just kidding. hahaha. have faith in yourself, dont lose confidence! you're really a nice person and i cherish your friendship." :)

Sharmaine, "Tamp One after school? hahahaha! had good times chatting with you, and im happy that someone is entertained by my lame lyrics. hahaha! East side ppl FTW!!! (no offence to the other areas.) " ;D

Syaheed, "Ketiak! most entertaining guy in class ever mannn.. you've been like, the cheer of the class and im sure everybody loves you for your humour! continue to have fun and rock your world! :D

LingYin: "Shortieeeeee~~ You've been really nice, and thanks for helping me out in photohunt!! hahaha! FLYING IS FUNNNNN!!!! GO REXARS!" :D

Devin: "Im glad you've been in my class, if not, no one would talk about Dota with me, then Kenny wouldnt play with me, and you wouldnt as well. haha! you've been a really nice guy, and i appreciate your friendship. take care bro!: )

Janet: "thanks for your friendship Janet! without you, breaks would have been so boring... go smoke alone very sian one. haha! your birthday coming! so happy advanced birthday! see you at your party!" ;)

that's about everyone from W47H! im glad i was part of your lives, and im glad you're all part of mine. although i havent been around much, but i do hope that you had fun with me, as much as i enjoyed the times spent with you guys and girls! W47H huat arh~!!!! :D:D

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

so after exams, i went to bugis to look for Nicole and Shereen. had lunch at pastamania. havent seen shereen for so longgg! haha! it's been fun.
then me and Nicole left after waiting for Shereen for awhile.. and here i am, after a super long bus ride home from bugis!

"and i, i dont wanna speak these words.. cause i, i dont wanna make things any worse.."

Nicole, you wanted to know if the words were meant for you.. they are.. what im reluctant to tell you is that, im still holding on, wishing that day when we can get together would come.. im still dreaming of it and yes, it hurts me.. i dont know whether this day will come or not, you probably dont either..
but right now, im just happy we're still so close.. when i see you, i feel glad.. when you talk to me, i feel happy. every word you speak means something to me. all these might sound corny, but i guess thats just the way it is.. maybe you can say i cornily love you? i dont know.. you might question this word love, but thats understandable. i dont know either. but it's a rather convinient word for me to use at this point in time.
you must be wondering why i dont wanna say all these, it's cause i dont wanna affect our friendship, and i dont wanna keep you thinking and getting confused about it. even if you already do, i dont wanna be the source of it. i wanna be the source of help, not problem. ;) that's about all i wanna say for now.. hope you understand it..
~This is for Eternity ♪ at 7:17 PM

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Sian.. just woke up from a 9 hour sleep and it's already 5plus!
Doubt i'd be going out today. tomorrow got exam. siannnnnnn~

havent been eating for the past 2 days.. surprised?
I dont know, but it's giving my body a better shape. HAHA!
the hunger comes and goes, so i dont know.. lol

things have been going up and down for me yesterday. pretty confusing at times..
like, what's this life for? why is this happening to me? first im pulled all the way up, then im pulled all the way down, then im pulled all the way up again. i wonder when's the next dip.
but oh well, i guess life is like that. it's a bitch. not a beach. cannot relax and suntan. lol

just downloaded maplesea last night. nicole wants to play, ask me to pei her play. lol
so long never go in sia.. dont know how im gonna get used to it cause im used to playing private server. level super fast, money never ending one. compared to this. lol
but i'll try. :)

NO MORE CIGGGGGGGG!!! T.T lol
damn sian. bored cannot smoke.haha


I'm here for you and always will be. Whether i'd wait or not, i dont know. im just gonna take it as it comes. as of now.. ilu.
~This is for Eternity ♪ at 5:59 PM

Wake up in sweat again
Another day's been laid to waste
In my disgrace
Stuck in my head again
Feels like I'll never leave this place
There's no escape
I'm my own worst enemy

I've given up
I'm sick of living
Is there nothing you can say
Take this all away
I'm suffocating
Tell me what the fuck is wrong with me

I don't know what to take
Thought I was focused but I'm scared
I'm not prepared
I hyperventilate
Looking for help somehow somewhere
And no one cares
I'm my own worst enemy

I've given up
I'm sick of living
Is there nothing you can say
Take this all away
I'm suffocating
Tell me what the fuck is wrong with me

Put me out of my misery
Put me out of my misery
Put me out of my, put my out of my fucking misery

I've given up
I'm sick of living
Is there nothing you can say
Take this all away
I'm suffocating
Tell me what the fuck is wrong with me
~This is for Eternity ♪ at 12:21 AM

Monday, August 17, 2009

Just got home from ECP with baby..
I seriously enjoyed it, until IT happened. Feel so lost and confused..
Like, so helpless and i cant do anything to help.
But i guess there's only so much i can do.. Im just gonna stick around, be there for her and listen to her, try to make it less painful for her. Yes it is a huge sacrifice, but since i've already started making it, why not continue.. It can reap good rewards.

To my baby.. you gotta stay strong, especially in the darkest times..
Im here for you and if you told me that theres a way to help you feel better, i'd do it.
I really wanna be the one to help you get over it and its not just getting over it..
I wanna have a good relationship with you and i want you to be happy.
I do constantly worry for you, even if i dont show it.
I may be jealous about it, but thats not the main motivation to why i wanna help.
My main motivation is simply just cause i love you and i cant bear to see you like this.

You may say you're used to it, but getting used to it wont solve the problem..
I understand you do need time and i'll just wait.
I just hope that my comments or certain views on this thing wont offend you or make you upset with me.
I only say them cause i think they would help you..
You might think that it doesnt and i shouldnt say them, but thats just me.
Its like how parents scold their kids or nag at them about some things, kids dont like them and think they're not good for them, but their parents really mean good.
Im not saying that what i say is the truth and the right thing to do, but its just how i feel it should be done.

I really hope you would understand my point of view..
Although we say take your time, slowly, bit by bit we will work this out, but obviously we want to get rid of it asap right.
So i wont sit back all the time and just let things happen and pretend i dont see anything.

Dont give up on the future and yourself k.
You're a smart girl and you have a good heart.
That's what's good about you that i see.
~This is for Eternity ♪ at 8:25 AM

This is my first post!

I'm at ECP mac doing up my new blog.
Yes I know it's been forever since I've last blogged, but what to do..
Or rather, nothing to do.. haha

Wireless@sg FTW~!!
~This is for Eternity ♪ at 12:13 AM